Breathe In, Breathe Out

I’m a breather. Not a heavy breather, just a breather. I breathe frustration and it is a grunt. I breathe overwhelmed and it is a sigh. I breathe exhaustion and it is a yawn. I breathe deep to relieve stress. I breathe steady to relieve pain. I breathe annoyed and my kids just know. Some days I just breathe oxygen in and out to make it through each moment.

Lately, though, I’ve been breathing a new way.

I’ve been totally emptied of everything in me through the challenges that have come into our life recently. It has left me breathless at times. In that emptiness God has done something new in me. (To be honest, this was done mostly against my will, but He is clearly not intimidated by my reticence.) These days, most days, I am breathing in nothing but God’s grace and then He gives me the privilege of breathing it out again.

59 days as a foster parent. 17 trips to the doctor (at least one for each child) and one whole day in the ER. Sickness has defined our last two months and discouragement follows quickly on its heels. And Jesus says over and over again,  “Come to me, you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest for your souls.” Encouragement flows in as we breathe in His grace.

We feed, we clothe, we rock at all hours of the day and night. There is a little boy at our kitchen table who is longing for his birth family and another in our arms who is struggling to thrive.  It isn’t pretty or noble but we stand in the gap and love them until their parents are able to do so. We change diapers and scratch backs and smile into small eyes and we breathe out His grace.

My sweet husband has missed an untold number of days in the office because of all of the sick kids we’ve had at home, but God graciously sparked a dissertation idea in his mind months before our family grew and Brooke has made miraculous progress on the writing. The stress that he would be experiencing if not for this fact would be unbearable on top of all of the stress that our new children have brought. We gratefully breathe in God’s grace.

There is a family who is missing these boys this Christmas and our hearts break for the tragedy. God has an idea: Invite their mother to join us for a Christmas dinner and church service. She comes and is kind and enjoys a picnic on our family room floor and sings beside me in church and hugs her boys tight and we breathe out His grace.

December comes, money dwindles. We choose not to fear, but rather pray. God sends His people and they overwhelm us with their generosity.  Free babysitting, delicious meals, suitcases, restaurant gift cards, Christmas presents, cash, clothing, and a portion of a cow. We have been the stunned and grateful recipients of all of these and more this month. We learn to live on His manna instead of trusting in our bank account and we breathe in His grace.

Right now, our lives are filled with some of the most authentic college students we have ever met.  They worship God with everything in them, they are honest about their struggles and they truly seek God. Brooke and I are humbled that some of them want to spend time with us. We invite them into our home, share what God has taught us, drink lots of coffee and pray for them. God is with us and we love them so we breathe out His grace.

Our recent days are marked by trudging struggle, but every time we begin to fall under the weight of it, the Lord surprises us with a breath of His grace. A precious time of authentic sharing with family at the Thanksgiving table, an uplifting conversation with a close friend, scriptures that define our family journey and give us hope appearing everywhere we turn. We fail as parents and we get frustrated and we treat each other poorly, but the Holy Spirit soothes and we breathe in His grace.

We meet a couple that has just plunged into a dark time in their marriage that is familiar to us and God orchestrates time for both of us to spend with them. We tell them all we know: There is hope. God is the only answer. He is enough. Brooke asks me, “Isn’t it crazy that God lets us be a part of this hope-giving even when we are so messed up???” and still we breathe out His grace.

We are fully living this way on a daily basis, without any excess grace…just breathing it in and then breathing it out. But somehow it is enough that we feel like we are swimming in His grace. He is inexplicable. Never have I understood more what God means when He says that His power is made perfect in my weakness. I am weak and empty and merely a vessel. He is strong and full and fills the vessel so it can be poured out again. This is truly living.

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9